A QUICK and DIRTY GUIDE to 'GETTING OVER'
Spring is here and, and, well... you want to have sex... and we want to help you.
(That is why we are your special friends.)

FOR MEN
MISSION: ONE-NIGHT-STAND
OBJECTIVE: PRESSURE REDUCTION
(FAR) SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

BASIC BRIEFING (FOR MEN)
FACTS ABOUT WOMEN

FACT#1 - WOMEN ARE SHALLOW ABOUT THEMSELVES
Cosmo and Vogue and all those other trashy fashion mags are designed to do one thing- make women feel bad about themselves. This is so that they'll go out and buy new shampoo, clothing and cosmetics. It's no mistake that there are only unrealistically thin, sexy models appearing in eyeliner ads. So, women feel bad about having average bodies, and they go buy stuff. However, they also feel that they can't have zits, and must look nice all the time. Cool. This means there will be more hot women around... hot women who are convinced that they aren't hot at all.

HOW TO USE THIS
She says, "Do you think I'm fat?" Don't blow it! Don't convince her she's hot! If you do, she'll start eating chocolate and wearing sweatpants. Instead, tell her you love her even though she's fat. Then she thinks it's okay that she's fat (and it is, because she isn't) and you think it's okay (and it is, because she isn't) and she thinks you're an honest, loving man (even if you aren't). What could be better?

FACT#2 - MEN ARE SHALLOW ABOUT WOMEN
Men, of course, want gorgeous women. That is the curse of being a man. They want firm, supple, sexy women that will make their loins rage with desire and their friends burn with jealousy. That is how they are shallow. But, you knew this already.

HOW TO USE THIS
Be clear in your mind. Before you make a 'pickup' effort decide whether you want to take the girl in question home to your mom - or home to your bed. Often very hot women are boring and vacuous and you might get sucked into a relationship just to get into her pants. From our experience (which is quite vast in this area) it's not worth it.

FACT#3 - WOMEN ARE SHALLOW ABOUT MEN
Women want strong, successful, rich men. It's a known fact that the first thing men look at on women is their chest and ass. There are many theories on whether this is societal programming or a biological desire to have women that can birth and feed children. We'll just assume that it's men being horny- because it is. Women, however, look at something else. A study done by a men's magazine found that women (when looking for a mate in a social setting) look at his watch, teeth and shoes. They want to see if he's rich and well-kept. We've all seen the fat guy with his hot girlfriend and think "My god! How did he do that?" Next time you think that, look at his car.

HOW TO USE THIS
Dress like a stylish gay man would. If you show up in nice clothes, with a shiny watch and stylish shoes and your friends tell you that you look like a fag - mission accomplished. Wait and see if your buddy gets to hang his favorite "Sepultura" T-shirt on the bedpost of that hot blonde at the end of the bar. Not likely.

Q: IS THIS WRONG?

A: Maybe. There are some that would consider this kind of charade to be morally wrong. In fact, Dr. Zaius wouldn't shut up about this. That damn dirty ape always has something to say. "Why would you pretend to be something other than you are?" Of course you're not a wealthy, stylish sophisticate. Consider this a counterstrike against makeup, fake boobs and dye jobs. Besides, that blonde isn't really a blonde anyway.

FOR WOMEN
MISSION: GET A MAN
OBJECTIVE: LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP
SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: AVOID BEING CLASSIFIED A 'SLUT'

BASIC BRIEFING (FOR WOMEN)
FACTS ABOUT MEN

FACT#1 - MEN ARE SHALLOW
Most men know about zero about having a relationship. They are guided by two things. Sex and food. They have relationships only under protest and because they have to, in order to gain a steady supply of sex.

HOW TO USE THIS
He's horny. He's like a dog chasing its tail - and you are that tail. Tail = You = someone he wants to sleep with. If he thinks you are 'tail,' he will chase you. But, giving it up too easily is not effective in the long run. If you are too 'easy' (also known as a 'whore') he will not care enough to have the relationship. Men will always choose sex without a relationship - if they can get away with it. It is their nature. Like gravity.

FACT#2 - WOMEN ARE SHALLOW ABOUT MEN
Women want cool, distant, out of reach guys. That is the fatal flaw of being a woman. If a woman can get a guy without any effort, that guy must not be 'worth it.' This leads to women chasing after men who seem aloof and difficult. What women don't understand is that if a guy is being aloof and difficult with you -he actually just doesn't want you - otherwise they wouldn't act that way. This is generally why men think women are insane.

HOW TO USE THIS
Change your view of reality. If a guy is acting like an idiot around you, well, that means he LIKES YOU! That guy will really be happy to be with you! Though this will not initially be appealing to you, in the long run, you will actually be with someone who won't treat you like a used condom. If you allow yourself to only be ruled by your emotions, making all choices according to how you 'feel' - you will eventually become a slave to your emotions - and your life will be a wreck.

FACT#3 - MEN ARE SHALLOW ABOUT WOMEN
Men are pretty easy to hook up with. You really don't have to do much to get a man. Breathing is about the only requirement. Well, and you shouldn't be fat. That doesn't mean you need to be an anorexic. Just not a big, fat, fatty. This may not even be a problem as there are men who are turned on by this, otherwise we would never be able to find any 'Miss Blur of Insanity' photos.

HOW TO USE THIS
Just dress attractively and be where men are. We know there is no magic wand to make all of us 'attractive' but there are some things that can be done. If you can't get away with slutty, try an 'elegant' look. Everyone looks better when they don't look like a slob. Also, just because a guy isn't coming on to you, doesn't mean he wouldn't sleep with you. Most men are embarrassed by the whole pickup line thing and will refuse to do it. Guys who are the best with the pick up lines are most likely to be bad boyfriends, they are good at it because they practice it. Meaning they are always on the make. If you want monogamy, pick the guy who is the worst at pick up lines.

Q: Is this wrong?

A: Yes. The whole game is dumb. But its better than be old, alone, single with an apartment full of cats.