Dr. Zaius Really wants to help you!
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Contact Dr. Zaius via e-mail at: DrZaius@blurofinsanity.com

A FEW WORDS FROM Dr. ZAIUS:
"I will attempt to help you - even though you are simple animals, like dogs."

THE LETTERS

From:(e-mail address withheld)
To: drzaius@blurofinsanity.com
Subject: another damn question

Hey, Dr. z, I got a question for ya. How come I can't get laid? My coworkers are getting freak nasty, my gimp friend is getting blow jobs left and right, and I'm sitting on the sidelines pondering how much life sucks. Hell, even Forrest Gump got some. I've come to the realization that being 19, 6 feet tall and weighing 130 lbs is no longer an excuse, but it's a key factor. If you could give me a few hints on how to make this glorious event possible, I'd appreciate it.
-Willie K

Dr. Zaius Replies:

Interesting that you compare it to a sporting event. If you think about how "freak nasty" your coworkers are getting, and keep score, you will feel nothing but pain. If you have not been able to attract the attention of a female of your species, then it stands to reason that you must be undesireable.

However, your kind keep reproducing, and after being to your "Wal-Mart", I would guess that even the undisreable ones get a chance to copulate with a female of the species.

From:(e-mail address withheld)
To: drzaius@blurofinsanity.com
Subject: love advice

My boyfriend and I had sex in his car... and then the next day... he doesn't know if he's in love with me... what should I do?

Dr. Zaius Replies:

Ha! This should not surprise you. Realize that no matter how much sex you give a male human, he will not love you. If you are concerned with using sex to keep this male for a long term relationsip, this will not happen, especially if you give him sex in the back seat of his car.

From:(e-mail address withheld)
To: drzaius@blurofinsanity.com
Subject: Bald Men

Are bald men really more virile?

Dr. Zaius Replies:

I am no veternarian, so the baldness patterns of human males is outside of my expertise. However, I must wonder why you would be interested in copulating with a bald male human? The more hair they have covering up their repugnant appearance, the better.

From:(e-mail address withheld)
To: drzaius@blurofinsanity.com
Subject: I need help

Hello. My dilemma is this: I love my guitar, but my guitar don't love me back. What should I do? Stevie Ray Vaughn's guitar was his first wife, she didn't speak to him, she spoke for him. That's the kind of relationship I'm trying to develop with it.

Dr. Zaius Replies:

As much as I work with your kind, you humans never cease to baffle me. It is bizarre and pathetic that you expect your "love" for an inanimnate object to be returned. The real problem is that music is a high art, and as such it requires a higher intelligence, and a fully developed set of emotions. Give up.

From:(e-mail address withheld)
To: drzaius@blurofinsanity.com
Subject: bitches

Dr. Zaius,
About a year and a half ago I started going out with a nice young girl who was a good little virgin. After some prodding I managed to get her into bad, yet it did take some time to turn her into a regular sex fiend. Then, she dumped me, and now is willing to have sex with anyone, so everyone else is reaping the rewards of my long struggle to break this bitch in, should I try to get revenge or try to get the little slut back?

Dr. Zaius Replies:

You did not "turn her into" a sex fiend. The only thing keeping humans from fornicating constantly is their fear of rejection. What you did was make this female realize that she was desireable to males. As far as getting her back, you would be foolish to have sex with this female anymore. She is obivously promiscuous, and probably diseased. There are plenty more females. If you must fornicate at all, find a clean female to do it with.

From:(e-mail address withheld)
To: drzaius@blurofinsanity.com
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 22:44:39 EST
Subject: lovequestion

Dear Dr. Zaius,

i jerk off like 21 times a week, is there something wrong with this? and will it hurt me in the future? (I'm 16)

Hands

Dr. Zaius Replies:

Dear Hands,

Typical human. Most animals do similar things. So, is there something wrong with you?

No.

As for your future, I don't believe you have one except in a zoo.

From: (e-mail address withheld)
To: drzaius@blurofinsanity.com
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 19:49:46 EST
Subject: Need some love advise Please

I have been seeing a girl I met off the internet for a couple months now. Actually, it's more like we're just having sex. Anyway, the first time we had sex she started telling me how she doesn't want a boyfriend, and that we don't have to see each other or call each other everyday and so on. So I kind of figured that I could have sex with other people. She left for Vegas on new Years, so we didn't hang out. I went down to the beach with a couple friends and we met some girls down there at the firework show. The two girls we met were kind of bisexual so my friend and I passed them back and forth a bit. As it turns out the girl that I slept with on New Years was a good friend of the girl I've been boning off the internet for the past couple months. Now I'm seeing both of them, I think I might be fucking up there friendship. The girl that I met off the net is freaking out on me saying that she wants to be my girlfriend now, she's also saying weird shit to her friend about how I don't like her, then telling me that her friend doesn't like me. I've already tried to get them both in my bed at the same time, but they won't do it. Is this thing going to blow up in my face if I keep sending one home and having the other come over? Should I tell them both to kick rocks? All the women I've ever been involved with have betrayed me and fucked all my friends while they were suppose to be my girlfriend. Should I just consider this one "Another one for the good guys?" Or is gonna blow up in my face?

Orange County California

Dr. Zaius Replies:

The situation you are in is an absolute disaster! Other than the sexual intercourse you have already received, there is nothing but emotional trauma to come. You are also showing a pattern here. You are purposely finding human females who will, in your own elegant words, 'fuck you over.' Learn from this behavior of yours, and know that you are a psychologically dependent person, particularly with those women who treat you badly.

A word to the wise. First, accept the fact that you are mentally ill. Then after that, when you have solved your own personal problems you will then not be interested in the type of females that will make you miserable.

From:(e-mail address withheld)
To:drzaius@blurofinsanity.com
Date:Sat, 15 Jan 2000 19:35:06 GMT
Subject:Help Me!

Dr Zaius

My boyfriend and I are into role playing, which at times I really like, but this one he just started weirds me out a bit. I have wrote to Dan Savage's column but he has not responded.. ok, so when he came back from thanksgiving, he brought back one of his mother's sun dresses and and asked me to put it on while we had sex. This is not the first time something like this has happened. When he comes home from visiting her, he wants me to call him my precious boy, or something similar, and to make him a PB and J while he gets me from behind! He tells me it's normal, that he is working through his inner self, (he's a psyche major), and I should grow up. Am I being a rude prude, or is he a prick with a mommy complex?

HELP!

P.S. Please don't use my name on your website. My boy friend not only reads your website, he introduced me to it.

P.P.S When do we get to see the movie!

Dr. Zaius Replies:

Dear Help!

Your boyfriend is obviously quite insane (although he was very wise to introduce you to this website). It amuses me to think that he is trying to convince you that he is normal. Ha! I say! You summed it up accurately in your letter by calling him a "prick with a mommy complex." If you enjoy this bizarre behavior, well, good luck to you. I suggest that he seek help immediately.

Though, on the other hand I consider his taste in web sites, excellent. So perhaps I am wrong and he is actually extemely sane, and a kind compassionate soul, and it is you that is the "rude prude."

A very difficult case!