WHERE HAVE WE BEEN?
THE WHOLE STORY
Back in Film School some of us secretly signed up for Army ROTC (as a way to pay for our useless B.F.A. degrees). It seemed like a good move, and it freed up our student loan money for more useful pursuits (drugs). While in ROTC the Army psychologist said we had a narcissistic personality disorder with a barely tenuous grasp of reality - at best. The opinion was that we were therefore probably best suited for front-line combat, as either cannon fodder or possibly (if we took medication) snipers. This placed us in a special category of ROTC (called iROTC or 'insane' ROTC), one that was run by the CIA. As a cover we were discharged from the normal ROTC program and were to return to the 'appearance' of being normal students, even though we were now being guided by CIA 'handlers.'

This double-life was not the easiest thing to pull off. One day we would be talking about the 'mise-en-scène' of French 'new wave' cinema, the next day we would be learning how to breach soviet missile silos and disarm SS-24 thermonuclear warheads. Summer vacation consisted of training schools at secret bases around the U.S, and intense indoctrination at CIA-Langley, VA. It was both hectic and confusing living this way. Imagine the embarrassment of running late for class and your fully automatic UZI falls out of your jacket and clatters down the hall in front of the other students.

After school ended the CIA moved us to New York, maintaining our cover identities while we worked on commercials and television. Luckily our Special Forces regulation buzz cuts worked for both of our 'occupations.'

At this time there were many covert ops. Mostly in Central Europe on special assignment for the United Nations. The U.N. occasionally having need for special operatives (though they publicly deny this). We were the soldiers people reported seeing on "The Black Helicopters."

When the first Gulf War came we were deployed deep in Iraq with operatives of the SAS to ‘paint’ targets with lasers for smart bombs (dropped from carrier based F/A-18’s). We were there when Kuwait was liberated. It was a heady time! We like to think of it as our 'salad days.'

We were secretly discharged from 'the company' in 1996 and we got back to filmmaking. Eventually writing and shooting “The Blur of Insanity.” A true story based on our lives (pre-iROTC). We thought our military past - secret as it was - was over.

Then 9/11 happened...

As a group we were called up to join the super secret Joint Special Operations Task Force (JSOTF) also known as the Delta Force. Sworn to secrecy by the Chief of Army Intelligence we began training at a ‘undisclosed’ location deep in the Utah desert. Even with 18 hour days we still somehow managed to keep the web site updated - but there was never enough time.

Then we began learning a dialect of Iraqi/Kurdish while training in the latest sniper techniques. That was followed by a counter terrorism classes, and a brief overview of chemical and biological weapons and warfare.

In September 2002 (the point of our last update) we were to awaken to a phone call at 2:30 am. We were back on combat duty. Donning our new Delta Force uniforms we left immediately for Fort Bragg, NC..

Twenty hours later - from forty-five thousand feet we HALO’ed (high altitude, low opening parachute jump) into Northern Iraq. Through October and most of November we fought various elements of Saddam’s secret intelligence forces and organized Kurdish rebels. Running wild through the backcountry of Iraq we sabotaged SCUD missile launchers and looked for Uranium Enrichment facilities buried deep in the rugged backcountry.

Finally a tip from a Kurdish tribesman pinpointed a cache of weapons grade U-235 (enriched uranium) at one of Saddam’s palace complexes. We infiltrated the facility via an underground waste tunnel. When we arrived at a sub basement (300 feet below the palace) we discovered it was a trap. French counter-intelligence agents had taken a bribe of 30 million francs to set us up.

We were taken prisoner and brought face to face with great dictator himself - Saddam Hussein!

After a grueling interrogation using cattle prods and sodium pentathol we cracked and began spilling our guts. We recounted years of covert operations information. We also admitted we were behind “The Blur of Insanity.”

It turns out Saddam was a big fan, it reminded him of his days at Baghdad College. He admitted he himself was (in his own words) ‘a huge wastoid.’ The whole dictator 'thing' was only because his parents were hyper-critical, and constantly on his case to make something of himself.

The rest of the night was a frenzy of making improvised bongs, doing keg stands, and smoking ‘confiscated’ Kuwaiti hashish.

Well it all ended well. Saddam said it’d be ‘cool’ with him if U.N. weapons inspectors were allowed in. He really didn’t give a crap.

And so we were released, crossing the border into Turkey, still carrying backpacks full of Kuwaiti hash (a gift from SH to GW). We were spirited out on a AC-130 Gunship for final debriefing at the White House.

GW loved the custom hookah Saddam had made for him. And hopefully all is now well in the middle east. And, finally, we are back to updating.... until our next mission.