You eat them. Now understand how
strong and resilent they really are!
EXPOSURE:
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during which time
an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling
across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even
pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was
found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to
have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the
filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."
RADIATION:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set
for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After
20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic
aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to
resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted
after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing
from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same
experiment. This Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this
now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity;
it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
EXTREME FORCE:
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of
approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its
back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only
discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its
underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
EXTREME COLD:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon
removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical
properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to be the
approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the
mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was
noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
EXTREME HEAT:
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie
smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes"
boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the
same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment.
IMMERSION:
A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The
Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and viscous yellow
tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble
artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated
substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to
the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed
when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie
was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size,
the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling
had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were
abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated into an
amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the
unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial
coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally
categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required
before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
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