Money = Tookie

Everyone wants to have a big corporate job working for the life sucking vampires that are corporate America.  To succeed at a big firm you must sell your soul.  This means eighty hour work weeks with two weeks vacation a year. Working your youth away.  If you make it to the very top you're too old too enjoy your wealth.  Sure, at least you can sit back while you suck the life out of the new guy, but if not, don't be surprised if you find your self laid off after twenty years, just before you can retire for some new kid who is willing to work for nothing and bust his back.  You'll end up wearing a paper hat and working in a McDonaldís (which we think is a government subsidized mix of a nursery school and a geriatric facility), worrying about getting enough life insurance so that you can get a nice box for when it's "dirt nap" time.  With this in mind, every sane college student's goal should be to avoid the real world for as long as possible.  Stay in school!  Unfortunately, school is expensive, and we're lazy.  Here are the best ways that we can think of to make money doing very little.

The measure of a good Job is its ability to get you cash without killing  you and ruining your very important social life! With that in mind, here's what we found:

Summer Jobs:

Not recommended summer jobs:

INTERNING
"Interning" is a new and clever term for slave labor.  You work a copy machine for free so that you can put it on your resume to get another shitty job later.  In order for this job to be worthwhile, it had better be pretty fantastic and have some good fringe benefits.  Like something in the porn industry, or maybe for a pharmaceutical company.

SELLING YOUR BLOOD
Sorry, as far as we know it is mostly donations. And it takes about an hour and lots of questions about your sexual habits and lifestyle.  You can only do it every fifty-six days.  Speaking of blood donations, look at our Red Cross conspiracy theory.

THEFT
Although this has a high potential for gain, it also has a high potential for landing your ass in jail for a really long time. The dating situation in jail is very, very bad.

DRUG DEALING
This falls under the same category as theft, oddly, the police really don't like people who do this. The jail potential is enormous. A bad idea for those who want to wake up without bars on their doors and windows.

Recommended summer jobs:

SELLING SPERM
Yes, you CAN actually get paid to masturbate. Even we were amazed. You can earn big bucks for just a few minutes "labor".  Not to mention helping to spread your genes throughout the population.  This is polygamy with out the down-side of multiple wives bitching you into the ground, but, unfortunately, without the upside of actually having sex.  In some cultures, success is judged in wealth or in how well you procreate; and this summer job has both of those things.  You can make up to $5,500 in a year (for something we all do for free - pretty sweet). THE CATCH: You actually have to be genetically desirable to do this, meaning you have to prove you are really smart and healthy. So if you are at the top of the genetic heap and attend one of the top schools or graduated from one you get the big bucks. Search the web under "sperm bank."  Finally, we also want to encourage stupid, ugly or annoying people to NOT participate, as the gene pool is polluted enough. The fascinating thing is that women can't make money at this occupation!

HUMAN GUINEA PIG
You will be benefitting mankind and you can get paid for it.  Let your body make money for you, god knows you spend enough money putting things into your body, time for some return.  There's some real money in getting poked and prodded.  We have heard of a sleep study at Harvard that pays $2,800 for altering your sleep patterns (yeah, as if college students have sleep patterns).  Yet another job that pays you for something that you normally do for free.
The side effects of most of these experiments will probably wear off eventually.  Times have changed; Dr. Mengele never paid anyone. Contact your local Colleges and Universities.  Ask for Psychological, Behavioral or Medical departments.  We think we should also remind you to ask what they're going to be doing to you.  If it sounds like you're getting paid WAY to much for something that you aren't to clear about or if they use the phrase "This won't hurt a bit" - you might want to do something else.

BARTENDING
Probably the best real job to get if it is in a good club or night spot. You can make good money, get girls, and for the most part get drunk for free.  Even bar backing isn't too bad if the place is hot.  Bartending gets you good tips and good experience making drinks.  The downside to bartending is that if you work in a place that isn't a hot spot, you'll end up making no money, serving gin and tonics to sorry ass losers who tip you jack shit.  Also be forewarned: if people find out you're a bartender, you'll end up being a bartender at every party you go to.

LIFEGUARD
This can be an excellent job. You literally do nothing and get paid for it. Plus chances for romance are extremely high. The important part is making sure you are doing this in the right place. You do not want to be a lifeguard at the Sunset Home for extremely old people -while this may be a nice thing to, unless you have a thing for old people, you will not be getting the main fringe benefit of the job, which, for lack of a better word, is sex. Also you need a lifeguard certificate for this, which you can probably get at your school, or even at the local YMCA/YWCA.

GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE
Great pay for doing nothing. You have seen them at the side of the highway holding a sign or five guys watching one guy shovel. If you get hired full time it is next to impossible to fire you. You can sit on your ass all day and not do a thing and they really can't do jack. Just don't steal anything or show up too drunk. If you can get into a Union there is no stopping you (or should we say no starting).

ART MODEL
Once again, getting paid for doing very little.  If you don't mind being naked in front of people and aren't too horrible to look at, this is a good way to make about eight bucks an hour sitting around.  Call your local university or college and talk to the art department.  The down side to this is that if you go to school at the place that you model, you WILL see people that have seen you naked all over the place.  Up side: With a little creativity, this can make a funny pick up line

BEGGING/PAN HANDLING
Although humiliating, this can be quite a lucrative venture.  The key is to have something that makes you stand out more than all the other assholes who want stuff for free. Tricks of the trade: 1: Make a sign that says something outrageous, such as "Will take verbal abuse for money" or "Disabled Slacker."  Anything that will get people's attention without pissing them off.  2: Thank everyone who gives you money.  This makes them think you really need it.  This way, people can feel good about themselves by giving you money, and you can feel good about... well, not being broke.

BOSKING
This is a term for performing on the street for money.  If you play an instrument or do whatever, this is a good way to practice and get paid for it.  The cops might object to this.  There are a lot of towns where you can go to the police and get a permit to perform on the street.  If you're planning on bosking a lot, this is worth the twenty minutes it takes to fill out the form.  Tricks of the trade:  1:  Smile and look people in the eye.  This makes them feel guilty for walking right by you.  2:  Learn a lot of songs.  This makes it easy to take requests.  If you can take someone's request, it'll make them want to give you more money.

CARICATURES
If you are an okay artist and somewhat good with charcoal, try doing this for money.  Make a sign, set up a stand, draw people.  Upside: This can also be an interesting pick up line.  Downside:  people are touchy about their looks.  You might have to make a real ugger look nice, (which mean bucks, as denial is extremely popular) but if you are too good at really making people look themselves, don't expect a whole lot.