Sex can be exciting fun. Sex can be fun! Sex is, for lack of a better word... sexy.

Recently, out of curiosity, we decided to order 4 hours of Playboy TV from the local cable company. There was a palpable level of excitement in the office (yes we have cable!), heightened sense tautness! What would we see on that channel? What exotic, mystifying, writhing porn awaited us?!

We kept checking the cable station to see if the order had actually gone through. An hour went by. Nothing, just rolling, distorted pictures. Finally at 8:00 pm the ‘always scrambled’ channel, the one with all the moaning sounds and bizarre jagged flesh colored images suddenly came in clear as a bell. Lo and behold, there it was - Playboy TV in all its glory.

As we watched we suddenly discovered something. Playboy TV is absolutely, and without a doubt, the lamest TV channel on cable! Quite the accomplishment!

Somehow Playboy TV has actually made sex dull! And we mean really dull. Amazing but true. We would have figured this to be an unlikely thing to be able to pull off. Sex dull? Not possible! But Playboy TV has done it! Sex has finally been pushed down to the ground and any inherent eroticism has been wrung out of it. This approach to sex had much in common with the pen and ink drawings of sex organs of ‘Gray’s Anatomy.’

The channel is so boring that it’s almost startling. Why? Not because of the porno movies. We barely saw any of those. Playboy TV, like MTV, has decided that they should produce their own ‘original’ programming. And damn does it suck! Even worse than MTV’s does - and that is a hard thing to do!

This show is stupidity on roofies. The hosts are dumb, ex-porn queens who sit on a couch talking to men who are apparently sitting at home with their pants around their ankles wanking it in front of their TV. That’s about it. It is like a live feed from the waiting room of breast enlargement clinic – actually, that's a show we might like to see! The main thing we noticed was the hostesses ability to make sex feel creepy and disturbing. Again, this is a strange magic ability that the show has to take something that can be so fantastic and make it so useless!

The main star is named 'Julie-something' and she sits next to a redhead who acts like she's taken a few hits of ketamine. We’re pretty sure the ‘Julie robot’ was once a porn star; it is anyone’s guess what the redhead was doing there.

There really isn’t much more to say except that they drag the show out for an hour jabbering without a point. Our guess is that this show is just ‘fill.’ It probably doesn’t cost much to produce and it takes care of an hour of airtime.

Next up was a program called “Dark Justice” It’s pretty much a cheap 3D animated show like you might see some shoddy, local TV channel. The only difference is that they swear a lot and occasionally you see 3D animated breasts. Again, this makes sex feel all eerie and weird.

We used to read Heavy Metal in our teens because it was basically a way to look at porn and still fool your parents into thinking you were just reading comic books. At least the Heavy Metal cartoons sometimes had a story or were well drawn. This just sucked, and appeared to be more fill.

Then came Sex Court. Wow! We have actually run out of adjectives to describe ‘bad’ or ‘stupid ’ or ‘pathetic.’ Just awful in every possible way. Julie (are they all named Julie?) Strain is looking pretty damn old, like an old leather baseball mitt that sat out all winter. Plus the acting (they try to make you think these are real people, not actors... yeah, right) is at a lower level than porn acting – if that is at all possible!

You know, why bother? That show was so bad we refuse to even waste another word on it. Fuck you Playboy TV! We want our money back!

One thing we did really notice in every show was how desperately these people are trying to justify their sleazy, sordid, and sad little lives. They talk about how free they are as porn people, and how repressed the rest of us are, blah, blah, blah...

Shut up Playboy, you’re pornographers, you make a product that is about as complicated as a rock. And quit telling us what to think! Honestly, we really don’t want our porn attempting to give us a lessons in philosophy - especially a warped, psychologically unfit one. Just pork each other and broadcast it. If we wanted an education we'd watch the Discovery Channel! Your one job is to videotape a simple act... an act that a monkey can do. And in the end, even the Discovery Channel does a better job of showing that.

Note: We got very cranky while writing this. Time for our prozac!