First: The night before

It's 5am, you're totally shitcocked, and about to pass out. Good idea, but first, do five things.

1) Drink a shitload of water

2) Take a multivitamin

3) Take a few ibuprofen (like Advil)

4) Put a huge glass of water by your bed

5) Try to exercise (get laid)

The multivitamin helps your body recover from the evils that you've done to it. The water just replaces the water lost by all the booze you swilled. The ibuprofen will help with that pounding headache when you wake up in 4 hours wishing you were dead. The water's nice when you wake up at that point where you're not quite drunk anymore, and not quite hungover yet. The sex (aside from being good becuase it's sex) helps work off a little of that booze. Shag long and hard, monkey boy!

When you wake up: There are several things you can do to return yourself to the ranks of the human race. Here they are in no particular order. Try them out, and find one that works for you.

1) Bloody mary- The bloody mary mix is a lot like V8. It's full of antioxidants and vitamins and other healthy shit. Somehow, tomatoes make you feel better. They're basic, so they help your stomach, too. The vodka is also very important. There is a little truth to the "hair of the dog that bit you" thing. Scientists believe that it isn't the alcohol that kills brain cells and makes you feel like ass the day after, it's the sudden detox. If you ween your body off the alcohol, though, you feel better.

2) Wheat grass- A shot of wheat grass is said to help immensely. We wouldn't know about this, as it sounds a little too 'new age' for us. We don't listen to NPR either.

3) Grass- We do know about this. Get very stoned. Bong hits not only alleviates the pounding pressure in your skull, but also restore your appetite. This way you can go on to the next item...

4) Food- Eat food. Some good things to eat (if you can): Beans and rice are full of Thiamine, which helps metabolize booze; tomatoes/tomato juice (see #1); spicy food, although it's hard on the old gut, it makes your body release endorphins into your swollen brain. Everyone loves endorphins. If you look at the above list, what you basically have is chili. Eat chili.

5) If the thought of chili makes you want to hurl, eat something. Cereal is good, eggs and bacon are good, but you must eat, or your body will have no fuel to help burn up the booze.

6) Is it in you? Gatorade or Powerade or virtually any other -ade is good. Any drink that gets sugar, water, carbs and electrolytes into your dessimated little body is good. These are meant for atheletes, atheletes who push their bodies doing the things they love. That's you.

7) Get laid. We think it's always a good idea, but especially when you're hung. The exercise burns off the booze, the endorphins released in your brain make your head feel better, and afterwards, you can go back to sleep.

That's it little monkeys, this all the advice we have for you. Take it to heart. While you're planning on getting tanked, though, check out our Drunken Biking page. Very important info.