First they tell us we can't drive drunk, now we can't even bike drunk. What next?

A new study released has shown that drinking actually makes bicycling more dangerous. Really? That's odd. Being drunk increases the chance of being seriously injured, maimed or killed on a bike by about 2,000 percent. Is this bad? We say no.

We say "Yay!" to drunken biking! Thirty percent of these injured/dead, drunk, studied bikers had recieved citations for driving drunk. Not only that, but only 5% of the injured/dead bikers were wearing helmets. Where's the problem? We see it like this: When you're driving drunk, you're piloting 2 tons of steel around from a cushy leather chair and listening to nice music. Drunk drivers, we're told, kill a lot of people by piloting their 2 tons of steel into/over them. If you take this away, and give them 25 pounds of aluminum precariously balanced on 2 wheels, a seat that plants firmly in their ass crack, and nothing between them and the pavement but three feet of air, the situation becomes much more fair. This way, the drunk can endanger really no one but himself. Furthermore, the ones that opt out of the safety gear (ie helmet) are only increasing their chances of removing themselves from the gene pool on their ride home.

 Their solution: "Alcohol abuse and bicycling," says researcher Susan P. Baker, "is an increasing public health problem that warrants more enforcement." This is the bizarre kind of attitude that made seat belt laws. Any law that keeps stupid people from accidentally killing themselves is against the Darwinistic principles that got the human race where it is today. Without thinning out the herd, we'll only be as fast as our slowest members. Let the morons kill themselves off, and we're all better off.

Some tips: Drunken biking? Here's how to do it well.

Tip 1: Wear a helmet. If you can't find a helmet, cut some holes in a cardboard box so you can see out of it, and put it on your head. Corrogated carboard is best.

Tip 2: If you're too drunk to ride without weaving, ride on the sidewalk. People are much softer to hit than cars. If you do hit someone, your cardboard box will hide your identity from them. Ride away quickly and calmly.

Tip 3: Many bike accidents could have been caused by confusion over which brake lever works which brake. If you lock the front brake, you're really hosed. We suggest that when you need to stop, just find something soft to crash into (see tip 2). A bush, person, pond/lake/river works best, but in the event that you need to use a more stationary object, see tip 4.

Tip 4: Crashing into something is easy. The most important point is to not land on your head. The rest of your body does pretty well with impact, and most of your body you don't really need anyway. Your head, although mostly bone, is very fragile and important. If you hit a parked car, just sort go over the bars, roll across the hood and land deftly on the other side. If you hit a moving car, just go over the hood, through the windshield and land deftly in the back seat. This one takes practice. If you hit anything else, just go limp. Flailing madly as you fly though the air only makes it worse.

Soon we will have a few demo movies of how to properly crash. Check back here often. Happy trails.