THIS IS IT. THE ACTUAL FACTS. NO LIES.
We attempt to explain the horror of dating, love and boning.

WHAT IS THIS STUPID GAME?
Dating is something we must do. There really isn't a choice. Sometimes it can be fun. Most times not. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing, all at the same time. Will the other person like us? Will we like them? Is he right for me? Will she take her pants off?

Romance/Love/Dating/Sex is a thing we are driven to. We wouldn't be here if great-great-great-great Grandpa didn't get a boner from being with great-great-great-great Grandma. And we wouldn't be here if our parents weren't driven to 'do it' (a truly gruesome thought). The act of sex feels good for a reason. And that reason is so you will have kids. Who will have more kids - etc., etc., ad infinitum. That's it. Sex is just a lure to make you have children.

For this reason we'll put up with the completely annoying, uncomfortable act of dating. And it is unpleasant. Everyone has incredible expectations. True love usually. Someone who will completely understand us. An idea of total happiness and euphoria. These distorted (and wrong) expectations lead to the reality of relationships. Disappointment. Misery. Nasty, belittling remarks. Petty cruelty. Rejection. Long nights spent by the telephone - alone. Incomprehensible feelings of overwhelming emptiness. Alcoholism. Gay porn... and finally death.

Amazing! What was expected to be so good often turns out so horrible. So how did it get this messed up?

Love has always been brutal, but today the issue is confused to such a degree that is completely unlike any other time in history. We in general are bound to pick the wrong people. Psychologically we actually look for the wrong person. Most often we are looking for someone, not because we have something in common with them, but because we are so different from them! This is the 'opposites attract' idea - and it is a truly bad idea.

For most of human history there used to be an approach to dating. Adults used to take a hand in organizing this mess and kept the youth from doing the whole thing stupidly. They would have chaperoned parties. These were events so you could get to know the person you were interested in before it became a confused groping session where both parties end up (the next morning) too embarrassed to ever talk to each other again. They would also try to find you a 'date' who you might actually get along with as you got older.

Couples would then move slowly and steadily toward a relationship without getting emotionally butchered. There was this idea of 'courting' - and don't let television and 'seventeen' magazine fool you when they mock this approach - if you look into this you'll see it actually worked rather well. A good indicator is the divorce rate then... compared to now.

But adults today are utterly useless. Instead of taking responsibility and handling this, like, well... adults, they are all busy trying with all their might not to get old (look at Hugh Hefner for a scary reality check). "Adults' are much more concerned with being seen as young than with taking actual adult responsibility. It's pathetic.

A further problem today is that the whole idea of 'being with someone' has changed. It all used to be guided by the idea of getting married and having a stable home and kids. Well, apparently no one wants kids anymore and stability is seen as 'boring.' At this point we've pretty much become romance/sex addicts. We go after sex and love - we get it, then we realize the person we're with is someone we dislike, then we destroy the other person emotionally (or they do it to us), then we move on to do the same thing again to someone new.

You can argue with us, but we have seen the death toll of relationships among our friends and it is bad. We have been on the phone at two a.m. more times than we can count with some miserable person and their miserable relationship. They even know they've chosen the wrong person, but they couldn't help themselves. What is beautiful is that they make the wrong choice over and over and over. And with no guidance from the outside world except stupid magazines like 'Cosmopolitan' and TV Shows like Baywatch its no wonder people screw the whole thing up.

It's a nightmare.

Maybe we can look at the whole thing coldly, clearly and sanely.

DATING
This is the problem: you take two people who want different things from each other, things that don't often match and put them together - you are going to have trouble. Somehow you have to find a way to get along or you will both be miserable. Most of the problem comes from the fantasy ideas we have of how things should be when you get together with the opposite sex.

LIES
Some magazine articles will tell you that you can go out with anyone if you do the right things, wear the right clothes, use the right body language buy the right cologne with pheromones. Well, guess what? Those are just lies used to sell magazines. The truth is, if someone doesn't want to go out with you - they don't want to go out with you! Live with it. Someone who wants to go out with you will show VERY obvious signs. They will like talking with you. They will laugh at your retarded, badly executed jokes and childish behavior - they will see it all as 'attractive.' It is nowhere near as simple as buying a pair of designer jeans.

he main secret in all this is not to waste your time chasing people you probably aren't going to get. Honestly? You should really lower your standards a bit. If someone appears unattainable to you - they probably are. If you torture yourself you will only set yourself up for endless amounts of pain! Snap yourself out of it. Pick someone who you simply 'like' and find at least moderately attractive. Look for someone similar to you, with a similar background ideas, beliefs, etc. We know this sounds old-fashioned, but old fashioned usually worked.

EXPECTATIONS
We live in a time where we can see the most 'perfect' forms of people all the time on TV or in magazines. We are bombarded night and day with the ideal male/female. And let's not lie about this - you don't stack up against Pamela Anderson or Brad Pitt. You don't need to, but it is hard to get those images out of your head. If you can you will be much happier.

Accept that you are probably average looking and that you will date other average looking people. You'll be happier that way.

WHAT DO MEN WANT?
Well, the obvious answer (because it's true) is sex. And men will have sex with almost anyone or anything. Inanimate objects, farm animals, the family dog. Whatever.

Men will have sex with the ugliest women, as long as it's made very easy for them- and no one finds out about it. That is key. Men would really like to have sex without any commitment. Unfortunately for them they usually can't get away with it. So they are stuck trying to have relationships.

And as far as relationships go, they don't really mind them. And in some ways there is the hope that they will have a constant source of sex from someone they actually want to have sex with! So they want someone attractive who will make it easy for them to have sex.

But there is one more complication. If you are too available - otherwise known as 'easy' (a whore) - they think you must not be that valuable! The reason for this is, since a guy thinks you're easily available - you must not be so special. Yeah, this is sick... but it's true. The fact is, you have to tease guys along, making them do a little work for it - until they want a relationship. This is a pain in the ass, but there really is no way around it!

We said this was sick.

WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?
Relationships mostly. Women who want sex without a relationship are rare and you are unlikely to find any who like easy sex and still look somewhat human.

Women want sex too, but the relationship is generally key. What a woman actually wants, most of all, is an escort, someone who will look good with them and that they can be proud of. Remember, women played with dolls, and one of those dolls was Ken, and Ken was not around for sex. He was there to take Barbi places - he was there to 'play' boyfriend.

To a woman, a man is sort of an accessory, like a purse, or shoes. If you want them to want you, you have to be a worthy accessory. That is why women like men who are rich and/or powerful. These men can take women out in a style that matches their sick fantasies. It is important to know that fantasy plays a key role in women's minds. Practically speaking this means if you aren't tied in with parties, people, money and cars you aren't going to get the hottest looking female. Another fact of life - live with it.

SECRETS!
Honestly, there really aren't any great secrets. All of the below should be obvious- but apparently it isn't.

SECRETS FOR MEN
First off you have to loosen up. Try and avoid being nervous or using stupid pickup lines. They rarely work and really make you appear like a dope. The only type of guy that can use pickup lines is the type of guy that can bullshit on, and on, and on, past that first 'line.' If you can't lie easily, don't bother! You'll come off badly.

Note to women: if a guy can use pick-up lines well - that person is a liar, and will have no problem lying to you now, and in the future!

The number one, best, most successful approach is to make friends with some women - any women. The women you make friends with are not women you are going to attempt to fool around with. You are going to use this friendship to meet all their friends - if you 'bone' the woman who is your access point for this, that woman will not understand that what you really want is to bone all her friends!

The whole idea is that by being around in normal situations, the friends of your target woman will get to know you (hopefully you are worth knowing) and after they get to know you - there is the possibility to get something going with one of them. This is the absolute best (almost guaranteed) way to meet women and have a real chance at something worthwhile.

hat information is proven successful.

SECRETS FOR WOMEN
Meeting men is much easier from the woman's perspective. But it can still be difficult to get close to the kind of guys you are after. You can use the same trick spelled out above for the men. Make friends with some guy and meet his friends. The only problem is that men don't understand the term 'friends.'

In fact this is a good place to wake women up.

Men don't really have female friends. They may say they want to be your friend, or that they are doing things for you because you are 'friends' - but you are not their friend. They are 'acting' like they are your 'friend' because they are trying to have sex with you. This is a fact. Trust us, as much as you think you are a wonderful, fascinating, exciting female, you really aren't so interesting to men.

The reality is, men would always rather hang out with other men - there are no exceptions. Just accept that it's true.
If you can navigate the 'friends' thing properly you can begin to be around the guy you want to be around. Hopefully you will be able to transition this into a relationship. Obviously try and take it slow. The fact is, if the guy can get over on you immediately, there is a good chance you will never see him again. Men like to 'bone' and run. They always have, always will, your job is to train the guy not to run by making this all happen very, very slowly. So that he isn't even aware he is in a relationship.

IF YOU CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS
You're screwed. Learn how. If you can't do this yet you are way out of the scope of anything this article can do for you. This also means you better lower your standards - SEVERELY. Don't think the object of your desire will somehow understand that you are a wonderful person under a completely whacked-out, ultra bizarre or ugly exterior. No one will ever understand how wonderful you are. This is not a very understanding world.

SPECIAL CASES

OBSESSION
Often we get obsessed with one specific person. This is truly a horrible place to be in. Because the more you can't have the person you want - the more you want them! This builds on itself to the point where you may prefer death to being without the object of your obsession. Have no fear, you are not alone. Most people get trapped in this situation. The only way the cruelty of this can truly be expressed is in the following diagram (misguided love-loop diagram).

As you can see, no one gets what they want. The sad thing is that this is so common. You have to get out of this loop. You must escape as if your life depends on it. Because it does. (last ditch advice is available below)

DYSFUNCTION
This is when you have completely bizarre expectation of a relationship. The most obvious case is with women who go out with men who abuse them. These women, more than likely, grew up abused or watched their mother be abused. They therefore find dysfunctional men, who continue this cycle of abuse, attractive. You often hear women in these situations saying things like "He's really a wonderful person inside. He's getting better, honestly! "

Well, ladies. He isn't a wonderful person. He's an asshole. And you are a psychological disaster area. Seek Professional help. Now.

Some men do this too, but from our observations, to a lesser degree. And the same advice goes to these stupid men who let a women torture them. Bail out on a woman who does this to you and get into therapy - you are as much the problem as they are.

IF YOU ARE NOW IN LOVE
If you find yourself in love. Congratulations. This is a rare experience. Try not to fuck it up. Appreciate what you have. It doesn't happen often, and hopefully it will last. But it will be hard work, especially after the initial infatuation wears off. Don't have ridiculous expectations of the other person and you may actually not end up as a statistic.

Note to men now in a relationship; No, you aren't missing all those women out there. When you are going out with someone it may seem like all of these other women could be available to you. Women are (for some bizarre reason) very much more attracted to guys when they are with other women. It is some strange competitive thing among females.
If you break up you will soon discover that all those women (the ones you thought you could so easily get over on) have vanished like fart in the wind, and you'll be left alone, in your room - yanking it to old copies of 'Juggs.'

Note to women now in a relationship: Try not to be so bizarrely emotional! Guys do not fully enjoy emotions like women do; you will confuse and scare them away. Try and be normal, if necessary take drugs (valium or xanax might help) remain calm even in the throes of crippling PMS attacks. If you want to be weird, be weird in front of other women - they will, unlike you boyfriend, appreciate it.

THE SUMMARY
There really are no better guides than this one. Stop looking at magazines with articles claiming some new secret about love. They are lying. Again - they are LYING. They are just trying to sell magazines and will tell you things you want to hear. But the things they write about really just don't work.

All in all, the whole dating thing is a mess. But all of us are stuck with it. Being lonely sucks worse. In the end just try and find someone normal and stay with them. Don't have high expectations and you will be happier. No one out there is perfect.
And more importantly - neither are you.

DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU ARE HOPELESSLY IN LOVE
WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT LOVE YOU BACK.

IN AN EMERGENCY READ THE FOLLOWING:
YOU are in LOVE -desperately, and beyond hope. The person you love so deeply doesn't love you. You feel you can't go on with life. Everyday is a lonely, pointless confusion. If only that other person would love you -everything would be all right...

Okay, YOU are in SERIOUS trouble.

Luckily we have a possible solution. It isn't a pretty solution, or a noble one - or even a psychologically sound one - but it has been known to work. Now this is pretty disgusting, and we're sorry to even write this, but you are in trouble and need a shock.

Okay. You need to visualize the object of your affection. See their face their hair. Begin to really see that person you pine away for day and night, that perfect being with the perfect smile and laugh, that deeply sensitive soul who is everything you ever wanted.

Now think of that person, and think of them hunched over, in the bathroom, on the bowl, pinching one out. A painful one. A huge one. And it smells awful. It smells so bad that even they are embarrassed by it. It is all monstrous, inhuman. and cannot be flushed.

The object of your affection has undoubtedly been in the bathroom (really, they have) and done this, in fact, it is more than likely they are doing this now, as you are reading this.

Try this, eventually you will be able to visualize it - it might help snap you out of your madness. You need to realize they are nothing special. They are just as low and disgusting as you - perhaps even more so.

Good luck, and sorry we had to sink to this level, but if it saves just one life... well... blah, blah, blah.